This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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