i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
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