ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
