sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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