Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
