I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
