He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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