I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
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