The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Randomize
