I wish I could teleport
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
