so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
