hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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