she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
my shit smells like andre
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
