I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Randomize
