You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
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