1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Randomize
