when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
