remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Randomize
