I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
