if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
