ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
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