i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Randomize
