I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
