I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
