I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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