I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
