Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Randomize
