Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
