I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Randomize
