I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
