I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
When are your genitals available?
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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