"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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