He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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