just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
