i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
Found the puke drawer
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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