i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
