Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
