Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
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