i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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