I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
