Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I can't put those talents on a resume
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Randomize
