Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Randomize
