The maid of honor just puked.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
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