I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
