I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Randomize
