3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
