Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Randomize
