Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
