I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
