It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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